Jokes

[Raven]

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellloooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Raven]

Turpentine vs. Holy Water


A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'

[ailishsmom]

LOL! Blonde jokes are my favorite.

[Vampyre]

Poor cat.

I didn't know Raven was really a blonde

[Raven]

Oh, no you dih-int.

[Alexis]

Haha Okay... you want a blonde one? Here ya go:

A blonde girl decides she's going to make cupcakes for her family. She follows the instructions exactly, knowing that if she messes up her parents and sibling will make fun of her. She puts the cupcakes in the oven, then she does some chores around the house.
After a while, the oven timer sounds.
The blonde, in the middle of a chore, calls to her mom and asks her to get the cupcakes out. A minute later, the beeping stops. When she gets a minute, she goes back to the kitchen to turn off the oven and returns to her chores.
Soon after, her mother calls her back.
"Where are the cupcakes?" Her mother asks.
"I thought you got them out," the blonde responds.
"Why? They aren't on the counter."
"I know," the blonde says, feeling defensive. "I thought you put them in the freezer."
Her mother laughs. "Why on earth would I do that?"
The blonde, getting huffy, stomps over to the counter and grabs the cupcake box. "Because," she says, "The instructions say, After baking, FROST!"


...sadly, this is a true story. The blonde was me, age 12.

[ailishsmom]

Awww....of all the blonde jokes I've heard over the years, that's the first true one! Thanks for sharing! It was cute!

[Alexis]

No problem My mom put it in our family newsletter that year too. Thanks mom.

[Raven]

OMG. Ha ha ha! At least you were a kid. LMFAO.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
-Poker Face

[Vampyre]

Two friends meet in Heaven,

Gloria how did you die?

I froze to death. I got locked in a freezer. How'd you die?

Oh that's horrible. I came home early. I was sure my husband was cheating on me. I rushed in and searched all over the house. I looked under the beds, in all of the closets, the bathroom, and even the garage. All that running around caused me to keel over with a heart attack.

Well if you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

[Raven]

^An oldie, but a goodie.

[ailishsmom]

For St. Patty's Day!
(My second favorite holiday, after Halloween, even though I'm Irish)

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'

An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'

[JeannieHolmes]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

[Michelle]

No one tells this joke quite like Carolyn Haines....

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!

[ailishsmom]

::snort::